I love the holidays, especially Christmas but for those of us who have lost close loved ones, I know that it can be a difficult time so I wanted to share my story about grief and the importance of holding on for brighter days.
When my mother first passed in January 2017, one the main things I prayed for was to be able to communicate with her through dreams. I took a while before I had any dreams about her, which frustrated me because I was struggling with not being able to talk to her everyday, especially about all of the important decisions that needed to be made after her death.
Finally, about three months after her passing I had a very vivid dream about going to pick my mother up for a doctor’s appointment. When she was alive, she always complained about me being late. So in the dream, I was intentional about getting to her place early so that we’d have more that enough time to arrive at her appointment ahead of schedule. I drove to her apartment in Houston, and drove through the open gate into the complex, which looked the same as it always had, but as I continued down the road the environment changed.
The parking lot shifted into a long black pavement driveway, which was lined with manicured bushes and the driveway seemed to wind on and on through a very large lush green lawn until a reached a white building that looked like a mansion on a hill. The strange thing was, went I arrived, I didn’t question whether I had gone to the wrong location somehow or why her apartment looked different. I do remember telling my mom that the place was very nice but aside from that I was just very insistent that I had come to pick her up and take her to this appointment with me. I remember being anxious and in a rush that we leave and arrive at the appointment on time.
My mother on the other hand was not ready to leave at all, which is so unlike her. As I said before, usually I’m late or arriving with just enough time to make it to our destination exactly on time (which annoyed my mother just as much as being late), and she is usually already dressed and ready just waiting on me to leave. But this time she was making every excuse as to why she couldn’t leave. First she said she wasn’t dressed. I vaguely remember telling her that what she was wearing was fine. When she insisted it wasn’t, I went into her closet and I remember being pleasantly surprised at how large it was and I also complimented her on some of the clothes she had hanging up. The closet in her apartment in Houston was large enough to walk into, but it wasn’t as grand as this one. I remember snatching some items off of the hangers in haste and trying to convince my mom that we would miss the appointment entirely if she didn’t leave with me, but she kept finding excuses until the dream ended.
When I woke up, my focus was on the fact that we were having a disagreement in the dream, which made me sad and worried that she may be angry or disappointed with me. Looking back now, I believe that because I had this dream when I was down in a deep level of grief, I wasn’t able to understand that my mother invited me to her heavenly home to show me that I didn’t have to worry about her any more, that she was in a good place and that she was at peace there. She was trying to encourage me to be at peace with her remaining there. If you are still reading, please understand that at the point that I had this dream, I was in deep distress. I was about eight months pregnant, I was struggling with the idea that my child would never know her grandmother who was the closest person to me and the only consistent family that I’ve had throughout my life. I was also afraid to have a child without my mother around because I had always thought I would be able to go to her for advice and guidance. If you are deep in the midst of grief right now, I want to encourage you that you have every right to feel every emotion that you are experiencing. Your grief doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s but I want to encourage you that if you hold on and have faith through the dark times, the pain will ease and better days are ahead. My mother and I loved each other out loud, we would go to any extent for each other, but the Bible says that unless the Lord is watching over the city, the watchman who stays up all night to watch over it will do so in vain, Psalm 127. As much as we care about our loved ones, we can never love or care for them better than God does. Our culture praises the living and despises death, but death is a part of our life cycle. Each of us will go through it one day. If we maintain the faith that our loved ones will live a better life in Christ Jesus after death, that he has prepared a place for them ( a beautiful one as God revealed to me by taking me to see my mom in my dream) then even in the pain of separation, we can be consoled that they are in a much better place in heaven than they could ever be here on earth. If you are in a period of deep grief now, my prayer for you is that you take the time you need to feel and express your grief in a healthy way and that you keep the faith that your loved one is in the loving hands of God, with no more pain or worries and that they are being cared for in a way that exceeds anything that we could do for them on earth. May God console you until you are able to find peace with this period of separation from the ones that you love.
Thanks for reading. XO
Adire/Aso-Oke Kimono - Aeymoda, available via the Posh Up
Pants - old, find similar here FeNoel
Top - Target Future Collective, Reese Blutstein
Earrings - Raya Jewelry, available via the Posh Up
Glasses - Loewe, old
Boots - Sam Edelman via the Outnet
